The lighter side of bowling.. bowling gags.. bowling funnies.. bowling jokes

TILTING...
A family took their frail, elderly father who just loved a game of bowls to a nursing home and left him, hoping he would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed him, fed him a tasty breakfast, and sat him in a chair at a window overlooking the lovely flower garden. He seemed okay, but after a while he slowly started to tilt sideways in his chair.

Two nurses immediately rushed up to catch him and straighten him up. Again he seemed okay, but after a while he slowly started to tilt over to his other side.

The nurses rushed back and once more placed him back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old man was adjusting to his new home. "So Dad, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's really nice," he replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

NOT QUITE WHAT EXPECTED...
A youngish bowler was drinking in a bar the other night and met a lady who was about 57 years old. They sat and drank and talked for while, and she eventually asked him if he'd ever had a 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome. The young bowler replied No! to which the lady said: 'Well,tonight is your lucky night'. The young bowler couldn't believe his luck. She took him back to her place, as they entered the house, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, are you still awake?'.

DO WHATEVER...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up', she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went and had a game of bowls.

SHOWS YOUR AGE
Two bowlers having a drink and a chat at the bar after their bowling game."You certainly played well today.  How does it really feel to be 84 years old?"

"Just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth and I've just wet myself".

KITTY AND JACK
My husband took up bowling
and he bragged upon the phone
about some dame called Kitty
whom he couldn't leave alone

He played with Kitty
he stayed with Kitty
he picked her up without a hitch

He missed Kitty
he kissed Kitty
he even layed beside her in the ditch

So I took up bowling
to win my hubby back
and found that what he could do with Kitty,
I could do with Jack

with thanks to Lynn Delabertouche

TOM
Tom moves to a small village and soon join's the local bowls club.  All goes well and Tom soon makes many friends apart from Glenda, the village gossip.  Soon there is a rumour being spread by Glenda that Tom is an alcoholic and that she has seen his car parked outside the village pub on several occasions, and this shows he must be inside, boozing and up to no good.  Tom soon get's to hear the rumour but to everyones surprise he does not confront Glenda.   A few nights later Tom parks his car outside Glenda's house, locks it and leaves it there all night. 

BRUVVERS
This is a story about two bowling brothers Tom and Bill Pillard. One day, Tom Pillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were preparing his wife, Tom's idiot brother Bill arrived as well.
Tom entered the delivery room and during the proceedings he fainted. When Tom woke up he was in a bed with a doctor standing above him.
"Mr Pillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious, your wife requested that Bill name the children"
"What! My brother to name the children. Tell me Doc what names did he choose"
"He named your daughter Denise"
Hmmm! That's not too bad thought Tom. "What did he name my son?"
"He named your son Denephew."

A NOTICE OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP

ADVICE
" If your Skip wants an opinion, he'll give it to you ".

TRYING
If at first you don't succeed, Try one of the following:-.
(1) Blame your Bowls
(2) Blame someone else
(3) Seek coaching.

SWOPS
I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week!
Best deal I've made in years.

TO WIN
"It matters not whether you Win or Lose........what matters is whether I Win or Lose"

FRIENDSHIP
Old Bob was missing Joe, his bowling buddy of over 50 years. He had passed to greens anew just last year, and Bob couldn't help but wonder how he was getting along.
So later that day whilst talking with a friend it was suggested that he seek the help of a medium, who agreed to try and make contact with Joe. So the next evening, after the usual formalities contact was made, and this is how it went.
"Hi Bob", said Joe.
"Whats it like up there?", asked Bob
"Great food, Nice people, Lovely weather, and we get to bowl as much as we like", replied Joe.
"That's good news!", said Bob
"No!" said Joe," The good news is your skipping FRIDAY'S TRIPLES !!!!!"

DEFINITION OF A NOVICE:
A new convert to bowls who confesses he knows nothing about the game and then becomes angry when you agree with him.

QUESTION:What do you do with someone who can't draw, can't roll the jack, can't set the mat, can't keep score and won't listen?
ANSWER: Make them skip.

QUESTION:How do you spell skip?
ANSWER:.....G....O....D

LEAD: "How short is my bowl?"
SKIP: "You ought to know, your closer to it !!!"

If you have a referee in football, an umpire in cricket. What do you have in Bowls?............ GOLDFISH!!!

SKIP TO LEAD: " Good bowl,... you just need a bit more grass and a bit more weight."

SKIP TO THIRD: "You need to change your hand, and put on a foot!"

THIRD TO SKIP: "Which is the danger bowl?"
SKIP: "The one your holding"

I rang up my local bowling club, and I asked.."Is that the local bowling club?"
and the reply came.. "It depends where you're calling from."

The Hastings police arrested two old bowlers leaving their club yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
.......So they charged one and let the other one off.

GYMNASTICS

DON'T LET THE TEAM DOWN.
The lads had arranged to have a practice game before the big match,
Sunday morning was chosen, and they all arrived on time except Gordon.
When he finally arrived, the others all asked;"What kept you?"
"It was a toss-up as to whether I went to church or joined you blokes bowling", Gordon replied.
"That shouldn't have taken long", said the skip.
"Well it did, I had to toss 13 times".

CLOTHES DO NOT MAKETH THE MAN
Two old bowlers were talking over their pints of beer in the clubhouse.
"You know Jack, yesterday I was reading in the paper that the world has too many people. We're running out of space."
"So?"
"Well its true. When I went home last night, I found a man in our wardrobe."

MARTHA
Tom had always played bowls every Sunday after going to Church with Martha for the last 20 years. However one Sunday the Vicar notices Tom missing from the congregation and Martha looking quite distressed.
The Vicar approaches Martha and asks what is troubling her.
"It's Tom" she replied sobbing "he's dead"
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that" exclaimed the vicar." Did he say anything before he died? What were his last words?"
"Put that gun down" she replied.

BIRTHDAY
Thank you for returning your membership application. Just one question said the Secretary.
What is your date of birth?
July 22nd
What year?
Every year!

SHARE YOUR BOWLING GAGS...